The Mask of Disappointment

I hide disappointment. I think many people do. Somehow, hiding it makes it easier to bear. Recently I traveled somewhere for my cousin's wedding. Beautiful ceremony, great reception, good times were had. While I was out there, however, I had hoped to be able to meet up with a friend of mine. Circumstances conspired against me and I left without seeing her. I was rather disappointed because, as a friend, she is important to me. I am now wondering if I should have been more honest about my disappointment. I fear that by brushing it off, saying "no big deal" or "no problem", I have lied to her about our friendship. The truth is, I was upset about it. I wondered if she actually wanted to meet, if she had lied to me, if I was being played. These were merely the musings of a despondent mind. She has never lied to me before and I have no reason to believe she would. It was a simple matter of too much to do and not enough time. Nevertheless, I feel that by masking my disappointment from her I am, in some way, lying to her. I tell myself that I am trying to protect her feelings because I don't want her to think that I have been hurt. The problem is, if she had sent me a text saying no big deal, I would think that she didn't really care. I would think that our friendship meant more to me than it did to her. If the same holds true for her, then by masking my disappointment I am also masking how much I value her. By brushing it off, I lie to both of us. I was really looking forward to seeing her. I had been for months. I was very sad that I could not see her. I consider myself lucky that she is my friend, and I wish events had occurred differently. It was nobody's fault. I lied to her because I didn't want her to blame herself for my disappointment. I am an idiot. I made a choice for her based upon my assumption even though I am constantly reminded of how exceptional she is. I cannot assume anything for other people. I should have been honest. It would have shown how I value her friendship.

I tell you all this to make a point. Do not hide your disappointment. Your disappointment can show others how much you value them. I know what it is to want to be tough, to be seen as strong. But denying your feelings can hurt others. Be honest with yourself, and do not make choices for other people.

Drama

I hate drama. I have avoided some relationships because I felt there would be too much drama. Somehow, it hit me. The reason I don't like people in general, is because the majority of people seem to exist purely on drama. All these TV shows and comics and such, they are all about drama. Now, I don't mind drama too much if their is spies, superpowers, or paranormal phenomena. But making a show about normal people with insane amounts of drama? It drives me insane. I never really got into friends. It had its moments, but the comedy could not overpower the stench of drama for me. Heroes has so much drama, I watched the first season telling myself that eventually the superpowers would outweigh the drama. It didn't. Even the coolness of well-done and well thought out and original super powers couldn't save the show for me. It all comes down to one thing. I hate drama. I would capitalize hate, but even that would not sufficiently convey my level of loathing. And its not just TV. I hate drama in real life too. So many problems have simple solutions if everybody would just cut the drama. The problem is that people create drama, sometimes unintentionally. A guy cheats on you? Dump him. Move on. Yeah, it'll hurt for a bit but you'll be better off. Oh, but you love him? GTFO. I can't talk to you, I don't want to see you because you are creating drama. You don't love him, you love the drama. If you loved him, and he's a cheater, you wouldn't be whining about how he is cheating. And guys, jealousy? Yeah, your girlfriend is awesome. That's why she's your girlfriend. Other guys are gonna be attracted to her. She chose you. If she goes and chooses someone else then she probably wasn't in love with you in the first place. There is no need for drama in life. Drama is entertainment. That's why there is the theatre. Leave drama on the screen. Efficiency experts should have this as a motto. CUT the DRAMA! Sometimes people I care about get dramatic. Ok, it happens. I love 'em anyway, but I can't help think that they're being idiots. And terrorists are the biggest freaking drama queens on the planet! They attack and then hide in their holes because they want attention. Some of them may truly believe they have a higher calling, but the leaders just want the drama so they can seem more important than the average person. Drama does not make the world more interesting, it makes it annoying.

Love over and over

I was watching an old war movie for a class and two of the characters brought up an interesting point. The mother said "How many times did we have to fall in love all over again?" And it hit me. What if that's what love is. What if it's not just falling into it once and then maintaining it as you both grow and change? What if the truth is that you keep falling in love with each other over and over? Then you both end up growing into someone the other person can still fall in love with. Maybe the divorce rate is so high because people think it should be a one time thing instead of a lifelong pursuit. When a man tells a woman she looks beautiful in the morning, maybe it's not because he feels obligated, maybe it's because he fell in love with her again. When a woman does something equally weird and gender specific (I have no clue what girls do) maybe it's because she fell in love again. Every day you fall in love again and the love changes and grows with you. All things change in time. Maybe love grows just like a living being. What if the key to happiness is realizing that even love will grow? What if finding the person for you isn't about finding someone who loves you, but finding someone who loves you over and over? Maybe the truth is that love is easy, it's loving again that is hard. If I'm right (purely hypothetical reasoning on my part) then I can only hope that those of you out there who love each other realize that love is not something that you are always in, but instead it is something you fall into every day. May you wake up every morning next to the person you loved yesterday and fall in love with the person they are today.

Sunday Afternoons

I get so bored on the weekends. The week is full of things to do. You can go shopping, there are good shows on, summer activities with your friends, and pretty much everything else. The weekend is a lonely time. There's nothing to do, everybody usually has plans, and I sit in my room and be bored out of my mind. The problem is that when I get bored, I tend to get a little antsy. I'm not a genius, but I'm pretty creative and smart. Those traits along with boredom can equal a problematic combination. Of course it can also be the source of much amusement. It is during boredom that I come up with things like downhill-bed-luge-skijump-fencing and the Flying Cheesecake Fortress of Doom. I would try to gain access to my schools chem lab so I could experiment,but they lock up all the fun stuff. Liquid nitrogen ground-surfing. YES! Another brilliant, yet potentially dangerous, idea from the boredom of me. I should patent these.Of course, then someone will try it, get injured, and sue me. Maybe patenting these is not a good idea. Of course, people say that about the Flying Cheesecake Fortress of Doom. But they'll see, they'll all see, MUAHAHAHAHAHA! whew. ah sundays. A deliciously bland smoothie of  boredom and crazy. Sunday is the mother of all emotional ups and downs.

My Lair

In order to fulfill my desire for world domination I realized that I need a suitable headquarters. A head quarters that is essentially me, while still refraining from the classic villain mistakes named in the Evil Overlord List. After some thought, I chanced upon the perfect combination of menace and hope. I will have a FLYING CHEESECAKE FORTRESS OF DOOM! It's a combination fortress and confectionery. That flies, and is capable OF DOOM! Those who submit to my benevolent rule will get cheesecake, cookies, cake, chocolate, etc. Those who resist will get the OF DOOM! It's your classic carrot/stick thing. It will have a castle with beautiful gardens and a balcony so I can laugh maniacally when applying OF DOOM! It will also have a top-notch hospital for my henchpeople (It's the21stcentury after all) and their families (why can't world domination be a family business). I will have a school so that my support staff can make sure their children receive a quality education. Realizing that I may be attacked by those reluctant to give up power, their will be emergency escape chutes located every 50 ft. It'll be a family friendly and family fun flying fortress of menace. Also, their will be lots of  gyms and required fitness times (the fat henchmen always die first). It will also possess an obscene amount of explosive, laser, and mass based weaponry. When someone thinks about attacking, I want to be able to point everything I have at them and have them go "Eep". All my fighter squadrons will be drones. 1 fighter per pilot, but the pilots will remain safely inside the walls of my Fortress. That way, I don't waste pilots and I don't have to tell families that daddy is gone (or mommy, 21st century). My goal here is to make the surrender of the world an appealing choice. On the one hand, there is cheesecake. On the other is OF DOOM! However, certain people *cough*McKenna*cough* will be heavily watched regardless and will not be allowed to be anywhere near me without heavy security. Some people are just crazy dangerous.

Downhill-bed-luge-skijump-fencing tournament.

Yes. It IS as awesome as it sounds. First, let me state that this exercise is, as of yet, purely theoretical.
First, two queen size beds are placed on wheels. They start off next to each other. Two people get on each bed, one in front (the driver) and one in the back (the swordsman). The driver just turns the wheels to keep the bed within it's track (path down the hill). On the call of "CRRRRAAAAAZZZZYYYY!" both beds are released and speed down a steep hill (Preferably in San Fransisco). While they are speeding down the hill, the swordsmen attempt to get in as many hits upon the other swordsman as possible. They may not leave their bed. After the beds hit the ski jump and are airborne, both driver and swordsman do tricks to earn points before hitting the water. Bonus points for landing on their own mattress. The more hits and the more outrageous the trick, the better the score. Physically, it's dangerous. Mentally, it's crazy. Personally, I can't wait!

-ISH

I am firmly convinced that -ish is the greatest word in the english language. While technically not a word, it is useful in pointing out the grayness of it all. Some languages, like spanish, seem to be severely lacking in the -ish factor. The makes these languages severe and definite. -ish has saved me from awkward situations many times by making the situation not awkward, but awkwardish. See? It works! I'm not a genius, but I'm genius-ish.

Goals

Everybody should have goals. It's important to have something to strive for. And since people are always telling me to have goals and reach for the stars, I think it is important to state my goal for everyone to see.

WORLD DOMINATION

Yeah, I know. Very evil villain of me. However I have come to the belief that the only way I could fix the problems of the world would be to rule it as a benevolent dictator. This is going to be very hard to achieve as I am against causing death. So I need to start a company that can research cutting edge technology. Then I can move to the moon and create a corporate state while buying up companies on earth until I control all of the Earth's economy which would enable me to take control without having to go to war. I know it sounds crazy, but it would solve a lot of problems. Illegal immigration would no longer be a problem because there would be only one nation, labor laws would be universal, and police would no longer have to have jurisdictional fights over the prosecution of international criminals. Healthcare would come out of the taxes so there would be higher taxes but no more fighting with insurance companies. Ultimately I think I could make the world a better place if everyone would just do what I tell them. Of course, considering all the effort I'd have to put into it, it seems like a fool's fate. I'm gonna have to work hard for years in order to work harder for no gratitude. I think Coldplay had it right, "Who would ever want to be king?" I still think it's the best method for me to fix the world, but I'd miss my favorite shows. So to recap, bow before me but only if Castle isn't on.

A New Beginning

This is not my first blog. I had another, but I deleted it. It was pointed out to me that it was full of anger and bitterness. There is enough of that in the world already without my adding to it. I still want to share what I think and how I feel, I just want to make sure that they are things worthy of being shared. To that end I started a new blog. One in which I can write poetry and tell stories, or even write messages of hope. Or perhaps I'll just talk about the first time I had Hot-buttered Rum. This is not just a new blog. It's my new beginning.