Friday, July 30, 2010

The Mask of Disappointment

I hide disappointment. I think many people do. Somehow, hiding it makes it easier to bear. Recently I traveled somewhere for my cousin's wedding. Beautiful ceremony, great reception, good times were had. While I was out there, however, I had hoped to be able to meet up with a friend of mine. Circumstances conspired against me and I left without seeing her. I was rather disappointed because, as a friend, she is important to me. I am now wondering if I should have been more honest about my disappointment. I fear that by brushing it off, saying "no big deal" or "no problem", I have lied to her about our friendship. The truth is, I was upset about it. I wondered if she actually wanted to meet, if she had lied to me, if I was being played. These were merely the musings of a despondent mind. She has never lied to me before and I have no reason to believe she would. It was a simple matter of too much to do and not enough time. Nevertheless, I feel that by masking my disappointment from her I am, in some way, lying to her. I tell myself that I am trying to protect her feelings because I don't want her to think that I have been hurt. The problem is, if she had sent me a text saying no big deal, I would think that she didn't really care. I would think that our friendship meant more to me than it did to her. If the same holds true for her, then by masking my disappointment I am also masking how much I value her. By brushing it off, I lie to both of us. I was really looking forward to seeing her. I had been for months. I was very sad that I could not see her. I consider myself lucky that she is my friend, and I wish events had occurred differently. It was nobody's fault. I lied to her because I didn't want her to blame herself for my disappointment. I am an idiot. I made a choice for her based upon my assumption even though I am constantly reminded of how exceptional she is. I cannot assume anything for other people. I should have been honest. It would have shown how I value her friendship.

I tell you all this to make a point. Do not hide your disappointment. Your disappointment can show others how much you value them. I know what it is to want to be tough, to be seen as strong. But denying your feelings can hurt others. Be honest with yourself, and do not make choices for other people.

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